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Oct 11, 2022

I’ve been vague about my plant medicine journey, especially some more recent events, as I’ve been navigating my own experiences and integrating what has come up each time. Recently several friends have mentioned that I should expand on my journey with plant medicine - how I came across each, what called me to them, what my experience was like - to paint a clearer picture of all that’s been going on behind the scenes. This is my attempt to do just that. 

As someone who has pretty much always been open to trying everything twice (the second time to make sure you don’t like it) I’ve known I would eventually explore the plant medicine world. I didn’t know how, when, why, or in what order, but all along I trusted that each would find me when the time was right.

My journey started with hapé. I remember seeing people I followed (now friends) posting about it in their stories. I remember thinking the concept of blowing tobacco into your nose was WILD (lol). I thought to myself, “I could never do that” (another lol). I was living in Philly at the time, still fully submerged in my 3D world, and I was fascinated by their posts. As a former smoker and avid vice indulger my interest was peaked, for sure (not that it makes it right, but it’s true).

Then she visited Regina and introduced her to hapé. Regina started her own regular practice. I was even more intrigued. I still didn’t think it was for me, but knew I would have the chance to try it one day. Months later I moved to Arizona and into my apartment with Regina and it wasn’t long before she was serving me hapé regularly. 

Hapé was LIFECHANGING for me. As someone who has tried for most of my life to escape my body, this planet, this world, it was the first time in my life I really felt what it was like to BE in my body. To ground. It rocked me in the beginning. There were so many times I almost vomited from the feeling of being grounded. I knew it had to become a regular part of my daily practice. So I started serving myself. 

About a year later, Kambo (frog medicine) was on my radar. Everyone around me had been talking about it, it had been coming up organically and regularly in conversation for a while, I had looked into it enough to feel comfortable, and I knew I wanted to sit with the medicine. I trusted that it would find its way to me as hapé had and of course, it did. After my first Rufus du Sol concert in Phoenix I met a friend of a friend who a month later was sitting in my living room serving me Kambo 3 days in a row and has since become a dear friend. 

I recently read through my posts from my first 3 sits with Kambo and it was a trip to look back on. It feels like lifetimes ago. I’ve changed so much since then. Kambo was the medicine that really opened me up to MASSIVE transformation. The reason I love Kambo SO much is because of how grounding and heart opening the medicine is. I had a client describe Kambo as a “gateway drug” to plant medicine and that’s exactly what it was for me. It also lead me down a path of healing beyond what I could have ever even fathomed. 

My first sit with Kambo lasted over an hour, which is not typical. I had a massive solar plexus block that I was having a difficult time moving through. My practitioner talked me through it and I was finally able to purge, clearing lifetimes of blockages. He looked at me afterwards and told me that my body recognized the medicine, I had done this many times, and I might want to think about becoming a practitioner. I told him he was crazy.

The next day he brought me one of his training books to read through. In true projector fashion I had a night to sleep on the idea of Kambo practitioner training and it was starting to settle into my body. It felt right. I read through the book the following night and as I processed all of the health benefits including hormone balancing and immune system regulating I knew I would be doing my people a disservice by not offering this medicine. 

After my 3rd sit I decided I would sit monthly for the following few months until the next practitioner training. With each sit I cleared more and more. I lost 30 pounds in those 2 months that would not come off for the 2 years prior no matter what I tried. 

Finally I went to practitioner training. It was 8 days straight involving daily Kambo sits, serves, and even a day of 3 sits in 1 day (a 3x3 or warrior treatment). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. The physical was a breeze compared to all of the trauma that came up to be processed during that time. My biggest take away was that I opened my heart and found forgiveness for so many that I had been resistant to forgiving. The most important being myself.

I came back from training and sat with microdoses of Kambo every couple of weeks. The medicine was so important for my integration post training and I listened every time I received the call. I had hit the ground running as a Kambo practitioner and was having a hard time keeping up. Kambo gave me the strength and helped expand my capacity to reach more people. 

I started a sananga practice post practitioner training. Let me tell you I HATED sananga. As someone who has been blessed with great eyesight my entire life and hasn’t had to deal with putting anything in my eyes they are sensitive AF. I would kick, scream, move, moan, flinch anytime sananga hit my eyeballs. But, after 8 days of it in training I had no choice but to learn how to surrender to the pain. To lean into it rather than resist. I learned how to let it feel good and I wanted to play with that energy. So I sat with it almost daily for almost a month. And by the end of that time sananga had become a beautiful ally of mine.

Around this time a friend reached out to me. She had a synthetic 5-meo-DMT practitioner connection who I had to talk to. She said her energy reminded her of mine and she felt that we had to connect. It felt aligned so I immediately set up a call with her. That evening we had a great conversation and the next day she was in my living room serving me 5-meo (funny how that keeps happening, lol). There was never one ounce of doubt in my body that questioned what was happening. 5-meo had been on my radar, and again I trusted that it would find me when it was time. 

This medicine came at a time when my heart had been hurting. I had gone through a tough break up and was allowing myself to feel. it. all. With that came processing the pain and mourning the end of so many prior relationships that I had never allowed myself to actually grieve. It was heavy to say the least. 

With my first hit of the medicine I processed the pain of the break up. I had been going through a period where a lot of people who had been in my life were leaving and I was so hurt. I was so frustrated. I wanted to help them so badly. But I was shown that it was time to let them go. So I did. And I cried and cried for what felt like eternity. After a while I realized .. the same couple minute song was still on. It had only been a few minutes when it felt like I had been navigating hours if not lifetimes.

As the medicine started wearing off the facilitator asked if I wanted another hit. I asked her, “Why would I ever want this feeling to end?” With the second hit I was shown it all - the fact that everything we take so seriously here doesn't actually matter. That we are all different expressions of the universe. I experienced the oneness that we truly are. I finally got it. And I laughed. Deep belly laughs. Until tears were pouring down my face. And then I laughed some more. How simple it all really is. How complicated we try to make it. The cosmic joke. I finally understood. 

Next I was shown all of my traumas as colorful, fluorescent, dia de los muertos skulls coming at me and passing by me. The message was that there are no secrets. There is nothing to be afraid of. I know what has happened to me. I don’t have to revisit these events now. But, I do have to share them to help others. 

With the next hit my sexual trauma was brought to the surface. Events that I was too young to remember were shown to me with the purpose being to drive the point home that it is time to talk about it. To share it ALL. To offer the lessons I’ve learned to help others. I was shown this is where you’ve been, this is why, and this is where you’re going - a red thread connecting events from my childhood, to events in adulthood, to where I am now, to what I will be doing in the future. Nothing needs to change, continue on your path. But, THIS is your greater purpose. 

Lastly, I had been asking about my person. My man. Who was it? Where was he? And  all of a sudden I was shown all that I am. All that is me. I received the message - you are a wild, kinky, sexual goddess and you have more playing and exploring to do before you settle down with someone. You have to play in the depths of your darkness and own it before you will find someone who can hold all of you. More on how this played out in another blog post to come entitled "How kink helped me 'heal' my sexual trauma." TBD.

I came out of this experience absolutely dreading the come down. I felt SO good. I had experienced pure bliss and I couldn’t imagine what the other side of that would be like. But it never came. This feeling stayed with me for months and months after the experience. 

Not long after I was approached by friends of mine to cofacilitate an Ayahuasca retreat in Peru. They had been organizing Aya retreats around “influencers” (for lack of a better term..). They had formed connections with facilitators, locals, restaurants, and hotels in Pisac and it would be a beautiful opportunity to expose my clients and audience to this space. 

Needless to say I was so excited when they first approached me about this. Aya had been on my radar for years, but I had yet to feel called to sit with her. I wondered if it was time. Then the imposter syndrome set in .. why me? Who the fuck am I? I don’t even know if I’m supposed to sit with Aya? 

After a great conversation and being talked off the ledge I voiced my concern that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to sit with the medicine. The guys had asked me earlier in the conversation where I saw myself during the retreat. I closed my eyes and saw a vision of me sitting on the floor, IN IT with my people - hugging them, crying with them, laughing with them. They reflected back to me that this was my vision. That I would be in it with the people I brought together. And then it hit me - I had been sitting with Ayahuasca hapé for months without realizing it was preparing me to sit. That I had received the call I just wasn’t ready to recognize it until this very moment. It was then I knew that I was ready.